Sticks and Stones

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With apologies to George Herriman...

Sexting

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IMHO. In my humble opinion. IMHO. Instant message Ho. IMHO...

Nothin'?

TURKEY UPDATE!

Why risk getting your news from a pig who could be harboring the deadly swine flu?

For your Philadelphia-centric news satire, turn to the only animal you can trust...

The Philadelphia Turkey!

Corn Flakes

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Any joke to use this character.

Mixed Similes

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TGIF!

This Comic: The L. Ron Hubbard Story

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The title is not really accurate but I'm just saying this kind of exchange could have very likely happened in Lord Xenu's childhood.

Anyways, I'll be posting my excommunication from the Church as soon as I get it in the mail.

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It's National Highbrow Humor Day!

WAHOOOOOOO!

THE PHILADELPHIA TURKEY IS BACK!

It's true what they say. Time apart makes the heart grow fondler. Wait, that can't be right...

Anyways, The Philadelphia Turkey is back from a brief hiatus with "News Youse Can Use!"

This week's top story: Kalas Memorialized With Terrible Impersonations!

And don't forget to check out the awesome comics page!

I Don't Get It

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No, no, I get that she thought he was going to say faggot, but still...

I don't get it.

If you get it, please...help me.

Commemoration

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Good morning, everyone!

Is it any coincidence that every year, around the same time, Doritos stock skyrockets?

(Junk) Food for thought.

JEFF IS PHILLY'S HOTTEST NERD!

AND THEY SAID IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE!

CONGRATULATIONS, JEFF!

Variations on a Theme: The Waiter on a Hill Story

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Enjoy the 452nd rendition of the world-renowned joke, Waiter on a Hill.

And don't forget to VOTE FOR JEFF!

VOTE HEINBACH!

Oh me, oh my!

JEFF HEINBACH HAS TAKEN THE LEAD IN THE PHILLY'S HOTTEST NERD CONTEST!

Head on over to Shmitten Kitten to monitor the polls, and don't forget to...

VOTE FOR JEFF!

I smell an upset...and cheese.

Is somebody eating cheese?

Oh, Boy...

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This one hurts.

Seeing in the Dark

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Myth bustin'.

Vote Jeff Heinbach for Philly's Hottest Nerd!

That's right! Jeff the Soda Jerk (aka Jeff Heinbach), longtime friend and ally, has been nominated as "Philly's Hottest Nerd" by local blog, Shmitten Kitten.

We, the voting public, are bestowed with the obligation of choosing who truly is "Philly's Hottest Nerd." But there is only ONE choice. Only ONE that stands above the pack as the genuine article, a nerdy intellectual with eclectic tastes and a flair for the absurd. There is only ONE choice. That choice is JEFF!

I'm not telling you to reset your IP address so that you can vote for Jeff more than once...

I'm merely saying that Jeff deserves to win, and with just a few days left to vote (the winner is announced Friday, April 17th) we can give Jeff the boost he needs to win.

Here's what Jeff, in an illegally wire-tapped conversation...er, I mean, interview had to say about his main opponent, ?uestlove of The Roots.

"Well, first let me say that I totally respect him, I love his music, and I served him a classic split with hydrox ice cream about a year ago. I have to wonder if he ever felt the nerd stigma in, say, high school. My guess -- he was pretty cool. I'd say he has nerdy traits at best whereas I have cool traits at best."

What about perennial favorite, Benjamin Franklin?

"Well, I hate to burst everyone's bubble, but Ben Franklin died in 1790."

Fair enough.

For the record, Jeff has already been officially endorsed by the Philly Weekly.

So...

Vote for Jeff Heinbach as Philly's Hottest Nerd!

Winning the Lottery

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Don't get it? Well, then there's a 95% chance that you're an illiterate piece of shit!

Educate yourself, fool!

Read Shirley Jackson's classic short story, here.

RIP Harry Kalas

"Struck 'iiiim OUT!"

"Ouuuta Here!"

"Mickey MORE-RAN-DEAN-E!"



You will be missed, Harry.

Easter Egg Hunt

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Easter?! I barely know her!

Good Friday? More Like Great Friday!

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TGIF! For those at work today...

Hang in there!

Failing Business

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I rarely can stomach any of these comics I post here...this one is no different.

...Shit.

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Poop jokes are surprisingly not recession-proof.

Really? These Characters?! Okay...

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Remember these guys? Of course you don't.

Phront-Runnin'

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I thought that after a World Series win I would stop taking losses personally. Looks like that isn't the case.

Despite last night...let's say it together...

LET'S GO PHILLIES!

Fakin' It!

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Cheap Visual Gags-A-Ga-Ga!

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Hey, what's opera, doc?

The End of the Line

Well...this is it. Enjoy:




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It's been a pleasure...wait, pleasure is the word you use when something is unbearably painful, right? Wrong? Oh...well, then.

SO LONG, SUCKERS!